Breastfeeding is often seen as a beautiful and natural way for mothers and babies to bond, creating a special connection. But for many, breastfeeding doesn’t always go as planned. And when things don’t work out as expected, it can lead to immense feelings of grief and trauma.
These feelings are totally normal, and can be very common. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and these feelings won’t last forever. You’re supported, you’re worthy, and you’re doing great–no matter how you feed your baby.
The journey of healing from breastfeeding grief can be long and complicated, and it’s so important to recognize that these emotions are real and completely normal. You’re not silly for feeling this way!
Whether you’re experiencing this grief, or supporting someone who is, this journey can be deeply emotional. Knowing what to do and say to support yourself or someone you love can change a life.
Let’s walk through these stages together and acknowledge the journey, as well as the path towards healing. You’re not alone, and grief is a very normal reaction to breastfeeding difficulties and loss!
The Stages of Healing from Breastfeeding Grief
Breastfeeding grief is something many mothers face when their breastfeeding journey doesn’t go as expected. It’s a deeply emotional experience that can leave mothers feeling isolated and heartbroken, and even disconnected from their little one.
In this post, we’re going to explore what breastfeeding grief is, why it matters, and how understanding the different stages of healing can help you process the grief and find peace. By recognizing these stages, mothers and their supporters can better understand the motions involved and how to support healing through each phase.
What Is Breastfeeding Grief?
Breastfeeding grief is the pain and sense of loss that mothers feel when their breastfeeding journey doesn’t go as hoped and planned. It can arise when mothers face challenges like difficulty with latching, low milk supply, or a baby who can’t breastfeed. Sometimes, despite a mama's best efforts, breastfeeding may not work out, leading to feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment.
Breastfeeding grief is often accompanied by a sense of loss, not only for the bond that mothers may have expected, but the idealized vision they had of their journey as well. The process can feel extremely isolating. Many mothers may even experience guilt or shame for not meeting societal expectations of breastfeeding. This grief can also arise when mothers transition to formula feeding, or exclusively pumping for the first time. Remember, you’re not selfish for changing what your journey looks like, fed is best!
What it feels like varies from person to person, and no matter what you feel, it's totally valid. Common emotions include sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, and even resentment. Many mothers feel inadequate or like they’re failing their babies when breastfeeding doesn’t work out. It’s important to recognize these feelings because breastfeeding grief is real and valid, and deserves to be acknowledged and processed as such.
The healing process can take time, but understanding that this grief is a part of many mothers’ journey is a step towards healing. Let’s do this together, mama!
Why Breastfeeding Grief And Trauma Matter
Breastfeeding grief and trauma are not just fleeting feelings. They can have a huge impact on a mother’s mental health, sense of identity, and overall well-being. When breastfeeding doesn’t work out, it can shake a mother’s confidence significantly and make her feel isolated. The grief from this can affect how she views herself as a parent, and can even influence her relationship with her baby.
It can lead to big feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and guilt, especially in a society that puts a lot of pressure on mothers to breastfeed. This is why learning to heal from breastfeeding is really important. Acknowledging this grief allows mothers to regain self-compassion and rebuild confidence. As well as move forward with a sense of peace, no matter how they choose to feed their little one.
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What Are The Stages of Healing from Breastfeeding Grief?
Stage 1: Dreaming of breastfeeding during pregnancy.
Stage one begins before you even start your breastfeeding journey. During pregnancy, a lot of mother’s expect breastfeeding to be a smooth, bonding experience. It’s romanticized, and the belief is that it will be a simple journey with your baby.
This sets high (and false) expectations for your breastfeeding experience, so when challenges arise, it can be really disheartening. To deal with this, stay flexible with your expectations. Recognize that while the journey may not go as planned. Bonding with your baby can happen in many wonderful ways, not just through breastfeeding.
Stage 2: It’s not going the way I planned.
When your baby struggles to latch, or breastfeeding isn’t going to plan, it can cause stress. This is usually when lactation help is recommended, thinking it’ll be a temporary problem. This stage can bring a lot of feelings of frustration and confusion. What once felt natural, now feels like an uphill battle, leading to doubts about your abilities as a mama. Spoiler alert: you’re doing amazing, and in the end, it’s all figured out!
At this stage, stay patient and lean on your support network, from professionals (like a lactation consultant), to personal relationships. Use tools that help like nipple shields, SNS systems, and other helpful solutions. Allow yourself to breathe and don’t feel pressure to be perfect!
Stage 3: I’m trying everything, but it’s not working.
You’re now pumping, supplementing, using nipple shields, triple feeding, and still nothing works that feels right. The struggle becomes exhausting, and it can feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle. This phase is SO emotionally and physically draining, and your frustration might seem to grow daily. You might even feel isolated, as the reality of breastfeeding feels out of reach.
To get through, focus on what IS working for you, even if it’s not breastfeeding. Remind yourself, you’re doing the best you can with what you have. Take time for self-care, and reach out to some support groups to feel less alone.
Stage 4: How much longer can I do this?
It’s been days, weeks, or possibly months, and you’re past breaking point. Every feeding feels more overwhelming, and you’re questioning how much longer you can do this. Your initial dream feels worlds away.
The emotional toll starts to weigh heavily on you, and you might even be beginning to doubt your ability to nurture your baby as you envisioned. Feelings of hopelessness and frustration can cloud your connection with your little one. It’s more than okay to grieve the loss of the breastfeeding dream. Focus on other ways you can bond with your baby, like with skin-to-skin contact.
Stage 5: Why is my baby rejecting me?
This stage brings a lot of feelings of resentment. You might feel like your baby is rejecting you, causing deep frustration and anxiety. Feeding really starts to feel like an emotional struggle. Resentment can really complicate your relationship with your baby. At this stage, it’s normal to feel disconnected or even angry towards your situation, causing emotional pain and guilt.
Make sure you acknowledge your feelings without judgement. Seek support, whether through therapy, friends, your partner, or professional support groups. Remember, these emotions are only part of the grieving process and don't reflect your love for your baby.
Stage 6: Loss of the journey you expected to have.
You may now realize that the breastfeeding journey you imagined isn’t happening, and you’ve stopped breastfeeding. Although others reassure you that you’re a wonderful mama, you may still struggle with feelings of failure. Again, totally normal, but I promise you’re doing amazing. Feelings of failure are NOT a true representation of you as a parent!
Allow yourself to grieve this loss. Know you’re not a failure and you are doing the best for your baby. Lean on supportive people who validate your emotions and explore alternative ways to bond with your baby.
Stage 7: Living with loss while seeing other moms and feeling triggered.
Seeing other moms breastfeeding may trigger feelings of sadness or jealousy. The grief over your experience may resurface as you witness what you feel like you’ve missed out on. This stage can feel like quiet mourning. You’ve come to accept your new infant feeding journey but emotionally, it can still be painful.
Focus on the bond you share with your baby, even if it’s not through breastfeeding. Surround yourself with people who understand and accept your journey and are mindful of what you’ve been through. It’s okay to be triggered because healing comes in so many different forms. Learning to manage your triggers is super helpful at this step!
Stage 8: Mourning the journey you thought you’d have.
You’ve transitioned to exclusive pumping, formula feeding, or another path now. While you’re not focused on it every day, the grief still lingers when you think about it. There’s a sense of loss that stays with you and it may still hurt when you reflect on what could’ve been. This grief can still feel isolating. The loss of the journey you’d planned and hoped for can be heartbreaking, even if you’ve found other ways to feed and bond with your baby.
Understand that breastfeeding grief is valid and real. It’s okay to mourn the experience you missed out on. Give yourself time to heal, and remember that your worth as a mother is not defined by how you feed your child!
Stage 9: Accepting that everyone’s journey is different, and yours is still important even if it doesn’t look the way you thought it would.
At this stage, you begin to accept that your journey might not look like others and that's okay. You recognize that your experience is valid, even if it doesn’t align with the ideal you once envisioned. This acceptance really helps to reduce feelings of guilt or comparison. You’re now able to find peace, knowing that your path as a mother is unique and just as meaningful as anyone else’s.
Embrace your story, mama! And don’t be afraid to share it! Sharing my journey helped me get through it and I’m sure it’ll help you too, if you’re comfortable. Let go of any pressure to meet external expectations. Trust that you’re doing what’s best for your baby and celebrate the bond you’ve built regardless. And hey, if no one has told you today, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
Take some deep breaths, mama. You’ve got this!
We promise you, breastfeeding trauma and grief is real and it’s a journey that so many mamas often face in silence. But remember, no matter how your path unfolds, whether you breastfeed, pump, or formula feed, know that you’re doing an incredible job. It’s completely okay to grieve the loss of the journey you imagine, but it’s also important to embrace the one you’re living!
Your love, dedication, and care for your baby are what truly matter and NONE of those things depend on how you choose to feed. If you’re thinking of going down the pumping route, we can help! You can feed easy knowing that you’re supported and in a safe space when you book a consultation with one of our lactation specialists. We support women, regardless of how their journey looks. We also have The Ultimate Pumping Course on our site, for those looking for a course that empowers you as a mama, from the first feed to the last.
In the meantime, tell yourself some positive affirmations and know that you’ve got this! Stay off social media, and make your own idea of what your journey looks like. Trust that you’re giving your little one exactly what they need regardless, and that’s something to be proud of. Keep going, and know that your journey is still full of love, connection, and growth–no matter how it looks!
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